Therapy

I was in the shower this morning thinking that this blogging is kinda like therapy. So I need some therapy today. I am pissed at myself!

I know that I have told you guys I am divorced but I don't really think I said anything about my X. We have been divorced for about 9 years now and I thought when we got divorced our problems would stop. I was so wrong they.are.the.same! The only difference is I don't have to live with him which is good. I went from living at home to living with him. I never lived on my own. My mom (I love her to death) is a control freak. My X is also a control freak. The problem is I didn't realize it until I was 29 and started resenting the 2 of them. I went to counseling to try to save my marriage and during that time I realized that I have choices and do not need to be told what to do by anyone. I was capable of making my own decisions. Wow this was surprising to me. I know that sounds so stupid but when you live with control freaks you think it is the way of life and do not know any better. So my counselor told me to start exercising my right to make decisions. I did and they both hated it. Now I had my mom and my X both fighting with themselves over controlling me. So, needless to say, they did not get along. I stayed in the marriage for a year more and then just could not take it. The new me making my own decisions could not handle being strangled because that is what it felt like. He had control over everything and I hated it. I stayed home so I used to have to ask him for gas money, money to take the kids to Mcdonalds or for anything. We did not have a checking account because he bounced to many checks so he paid our bills with money orders. He made alot of money and always walked around with $1,000.00 in his pocket at any given time but he would usually only give me $20.00 at a time and then ask how I spent it. WTF I was getting so tired of it. Then he had an affair and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I was done! I filed for divorce and our divorce took 18 months. During that 18 months we had to live together which was hell. It was horrible! He was losing control of me and everything around him and it was making him crazy. He always had this power over me and it was so hard for me to not give him that power. He would always say my trigger points and then I would explode. Knowing that I should not it is just hard to control it. Since our divorce he still likes to throw in his comments to me that he knows will get to me. For the most part, I can ignore them and consider the source. He never takes the kids to the drs, ortho or any after school activities. He never has even when we were married. When they were little and sick it was always my responsibility to take time off from work and to the drs. He has been at his job for 22 years and is in car sales so he has more freedom than I do as an hourly employee. Needless to say, I always did what was best for my kids. We have joint custody so on Tuesdays they go to his house and every other weekend. Even on his days he will not pick them up if they are at the school for practice or something. It makes me crazy. I always think to myself that I wish I could be a parent when it was convenient for me cuz that is pretty much what he does.

Ok so I gave you some background and now I will give you the reason I am pissed at myself. Marco woke up yesterday not feeling good. He was a preemie and has some asthma issues as a side effect. Every year in January and February he gets really sick. I felt him before I left for work and he didn't have a fever but I could hear him having a hard time breathing. I gave him some Tylenol and his inhaler and he went to bed. I went to work and could not take any time off of work so I texted his dad to see if I made a dr appointment would he take them. Of course, his response was no I can't. I only work a mile from home so at lunch I went home to check on him and he was sleeping still no fever but tired and feeling pretty shitty. I get nervous when he feels this way because of my past experiences. Last year in February he was at his dad's house over the weekend and didn't feel good all weekend and kept telling his dad he did not feel well. His dad told him he was fine. Dropped him off at my house Monday morning and never called to tell me he was sick. I got a call at work from Marco saying he was home and did not feel well. I went home and took one look at him and said you need to go to the clinic. I took him and they did an Xray and some tests. Came back to the room with an IV and I said why does he get that. She said oh did the dr talk to you. I said no. She said he has pneomonia and the ambulance will be here in 30 minutes to transport him to the hospital. I was pissed! I was pissed because he was at his dad's house all weekend and did nothing about it and if he would have taken him maybe 2 days before would could of avoided a hospital stay. So knowing that he was going to his dads yesterday I thought it would be best for him to go to the clinic. Of course, when I asked him to take him all hell broke loose. All of a sudden I'm a piece of shit, don't care about my kids and selfish. Now I know none of this is true but it is so hard not to respond to him. It is just hard. I just let him ramble on. Yesterday right before he picked up Marco he calls him and is screaming at him so loud that I could hear it across the room. Now that is what gets me so the fight got started because of course I can't keep my mouth shut when it comes to my kids. Then he just continues on with all the shitty comments that he knows is gonna get to me and I let it. That is what I am pissed about. Why do I play this? Why can't I just keep my mouth shut? I struggle with this and I just can't figure out why I do this. I should just let it go in one ear and out the other because I know who and what I am. So that is my big question? He did take Marco to the clinic and it turns out he has a sinus infection. I just hope he feels better over the weekend. No matter how old your kids get you still hate when they don't feel good.

Sorry if this seems so rambled but I am at work and have been waiting on customers in between typing this. If you have a similiar situation or some other advice for me I would appreciate it.

By the way, it is snowing today again!

Addictions

So just not that long ago maybe 9 months or so I was so not into texting. I actually thought it was the stupidest thing because you could pick up the phone and call quicker than texting whatever it is you want to say. So at that time I had a slide phone and you had to use the dial pad to text which made it difficult. I ended up breaking that phone around August. So off to the AT & T store I went. I got in there and explained that I had not had the phone for very long and the screen just went black and would not turn on at all. The customer service rep said ok it is still covered under the warranty. I was thinking great!!! So he walked over to the counter and got this form for me to fill out. I was even more excited thinking ok this is gonna be taken care of today! Great! Then he says fill the form out and mail it in with the phone and they will send you a new one. I said your joking right? He said no that is the way the warranty is handled. I explained to him that it was just not possible for me to be without a phone for a week or so until I got a new one. He said well you can pay extra if you want it overnighted to you. I then explained it is a problem with the phone itself that I didn't cause so why should I have to pay extra to have it overnighted to me? I could tell that the conversation was going no where. I then turned to my husband and said I am going to the car. I grabbed my phone and the fucking form and went to the car. I have a low tolerance for this kinda stuff. So I have learned the better thing to do is leave. Otherwise, I would of blown my temper at the guy. I get in the car and my husband follows knowing exactly what was gonna happen when we got into the car. I was bitching and bitching non stop. So Nick grabs my phone and says I will be right back. He goes back into the store and he was gone for about 45 mintues. He comes out and has a bag in his hand. I said ok so did he give you a new phone? He opened the bag and there it was. He had bought me a Blackberry and I was in love the minute I seen it. I said OMG how much was it? He got it for $50.00 because it turns out we were due for an upgrade. I have been obsessed with it ever since. I love to text with the keyboard, take pictures, use the internet and I could go on forever about its features. I carry it everywhere with me even while doing dishes because you never know when someone will text you. I text in the house with the kids and they are sitting in the next room. I LOVE TEXTING!!!!!! It is so fun because you can text while sitting with someone that you want to say something about but can't so you text it to your best friend LOL. So that is my addiction. I also sleep with it on the nightstand. So there you have it LOL. I guess the first step to realizing you have a problem is to admit it and I did. I don't think it is going to change anything but hey you never know.

Friendships

I have 2 best friends and the 3 of us have been friends since we were 12 so 30 years now. I love these women! All of us only live a few miles apart and it is great! The thing I love about our friendship is we can be in a room of 100 people and one of them will look at me and we both know exactly what the other is thinking. 2 of us have gone thur divorces together which made it much easier knowing you had someone going thru the exact same thing. We did everything together. Her kids father lives in Texas so her kids when they were younger would go to Texas for 6 weeks in the summer. She would then come and live with me for those 6 weeks so she would not be alone. We had a blast! When my kids were at their dad's house we would go out and party! It was great! We often referr to that as the crazy summers! We had theme songs for each summer and it just cracks me up to think about it now. I am the only one who has lost a parent so far. My one friend has lost 2 brothers tho. It is just weird all the things we have gone thru. I am so thankful for their friendship. We fight like sisters but absolutely are always there for each other.

Ok so I am the most hormonal one out of the 3 of us and always have been. I am not ashamed of that in any way. It is what it is. When I get PMS I am a monster but the people that love me just know that it won't last long and just deal with it. My one friend admits to having it too but not to the degree that I do. She also admits to having symptoms of premenopause. I also admit to that as well. My other friend tho... she nevers gets PMS or has no signs of premenopause. I think that knowing you have it is being much more in tune with your body. So because of the weather lately we have been going to the show alot of the weekends which has been every weekend since Christmas. We have seen Marley and Me, Bride Wars, Mall Cop and Bedtime Stories. Well the friend that never gets PMS has always been the one who never crys out of the 3 of us. Every movie we have seen this month she has cried at. We were watching Mall Cop and I look over and she is sobbing. I was like WTF???? Her response "it is sad". I said "it is a comedy"???? This month she has also called me at work crying like 3 times over things that normally would never make her cry. So I said to her last weekend "you don't have any signs of premenopause?" she says "oh hell no I don't get that shit" so I said "let me see you cry more now than ever and you even cry at a comedy WTF I think that something is up with you" then I also said "you called me at work crying about having a tooth ache"? So we came to the conclusion that she does have these symptoms just never realized that is what it was! I was like "HELL YEAH WE ARE GETTING OLD LOL". Seriously tho, I love these women with all my being and I appreciate their friendships more than I can even explain.

Snow

So I went to bed last night and the news said we were going to get 4 or 5 inches of snow overnight. I was so hoping that we wouldn't get as we have already reached our total snowfall for the winter back in December. I woke up this morning to snow and it is still coming down. I am so freggen frustrated I can't stand it. I should not be because I live in Michigan and I know what winter involves since I have lived here my whole life. I can't wait till the twins graduate in 3 more years so I can move somewhere warm!!!!!

Have a great day! I will be snowed in shortly LOL

Nothing is sacred

Why is it that now anyone can find you anywhere? Have you ever thought about that? I mean you can find peoples houses and even look at them on google earth. So people that you don't want to find you can find you. Nothing seems to be sacred or private anymore.

So the weather here is just wonderful. The temperature this morning was -4. Yeah I was jumping for joy about that. This winter has been too long and too much snow. We are supposed to get 4 or 5 more inches tonight. The other part of this is being bored out of my mind. What the hell are you supposed to do in this weather. I mean you could shop but that would mean going out in the cold and bundling up and that just ain't happening. So needless to say, we are all anxious for spring. Seems like forever til it gets here lol.

I have been falling asleep at night by like 9:30 on the couch and getting up at 5:00. This morning I was up at 5:00 made the kids lunches, did a load of laundry and ironed my clothes for work. I sat down to watch a few minutes of the news and thought SHIT SHIT SHIT I must be getting old because I have never been a morning person but I am now. I was always a night owl but now it has reversed itself. Ya know ya get old and go to bed earlier and get up earlier. Oh well LOL.

Today is my husband's actual birthday. So tonight we will go to Sarah's game and then to this little hole in the wall bar that has great burgers and drink some beers and have a burger. He said I am more excited about his birthday than him. I said yes I love birthdays! especially mine.

Everyone have a great Tuesday.

I'm am an ass lol

One day I will get the format down pat for the pictures! I apologize for the spaces LOL

People whining constantly!

So I sit here on a Monday morning at work. On Friday the upper management decided they would cut the hourly staff down to 34 hours a week. I was not happy about that at all! The hourly employees were definitely not happy either but I am sick of hearing the bitching from everyone about how they have no money. We live in Michigan for shits sakes. I mean the whole country is having hard times but Michigan is particularly bad because of the car industry with no relief in sight. I guess I look at it differently. I look at the fact they still have a job and benefits! In a few months they will be back up to a 40 hour work week. I try to see the positive in everything. I just said to Nick the other night we never have any extra money anymore but I thank God our bills are paid and we have a house and food. So I guess when someone you work with says they will quit their job and collect unemployment and put their kids on MY CHILD for insurance it just grinds me the wrong way. What happened to the men like my dad who would work 2 jobs just to put food on the table or do whatever it took. The younger generation has a whole different outlook. It sucks! The immaturity is just amazing! Also with this hour cut they have the attitude that they don't give a shit about the quality of work they are doing. Just amazing!

Nick's birthday is tomorrow and because the kids will be at their dad's Tuesday night we celebrated on Sunday. We went to his favorite Italian Restaurant and I baked dessert for us when we got home. I don't think I have ever shared the fact that I cannot bake. I can cook up a storm but baking is always a challenge for me bacause you have to follow directions which I am not good at LOL. Dinner was wonderful and the dessert well lets just say it was ok LOL.

Sarah had a cheer competition on Saturday it was her second one. The first one was last Saturday and I worked that Saturday so I was late getting there only to find that her step-mom had on a sweatshirt that said Sarah's Step-mom on the back of it. Ok so it was nice that she supports her and blah freggen blah. It just stuck in my heart for some weird reason. It was really bothering me. I was trying to understand my feelings and the only thing I could come up with is that a mom and daughters relationship is usually so tight like ours is and I am secure with that so why even let that bother me? I dunno I can't figure it out. It is just the way I feel. So last Saturday they got 4th place which was good for the first competition. This week they do so great that I could barely contain myself when they were done with my cheers for them. So at the end of the competition each division for their school took 1st place. I was so proud of all of them they worked so hard! They were all soooo excited. Step-mom was there again with that same freggen sweatshirt on but for some reason that day it didn't bother me. Maybe it was because I was there early and got to sit with the moms that I know and my best friend

was there. See how friends can change things in a total different direction!

So I will leave you with some pictures!

This is me, the twins and my mom! My mom is so damn cute!

This is Sarah (middle) and her cheer girls!

Freshman, JV and Varsity posing for a

sweet victory picture LOL

This is Sarah's doing their stunt round.

Not sure about this blogging!

Well, the holidays are over! We had a good holiday season but I was so glad when it was over because it just gets to be too stressful. We had Christmas Eve at our home with about 26 people. It sounds crazy but it was alot of fun. The kids all enjoyed their presents. It just is so funny how you spend so much time preparing and it is all done in a matter of seconds. I got some Uggs, jewelry, jammies, socks, undies ya know the normal things. I enjoy having family over and I also enjoy having my mom at my house. Since she lives in a nursing home and a is confined to a wheel chair it is hard for us to get her to the house. We hire a company that picks her up and brings her to the house and that is such a treat for me. The kids enjoy it and I love watching her enjoy the food and company without being at the nursing home. Don't get me wrong I am thankful for the nursing home but sometimes it is very depressing to go there. New Years Eve we went to the show to see Bedtime Stories. It was an ok movie but did not keep my attention. I was sitting next to Nick and dosed off for what felt like 5 minutes he says longer. I thought I got away with it too until we got into the car and he said I was snoring LOL. Then we went to downtown Mt Clemens they do fireworks at midnight. It was like 15 degrees outside and good thing our neighbor owns a cute little coffee shop right there so we had a warming station.

I know my last post was about my scrapbook project from Mo. I did start it but have not finished it as of yet. I will finish it because Nick and I have a bet and I cannot let him win! It might be summer by the time I finish it but it will get done LOL.

I have been struggling with this blog because I sign on and think I have so many interesting things to blog about but I just can't put it into words. I am much better in person. Much more entertaining! I read other blogs and think wow that person really writes well but I struggle with it. I originally started this blog because I thought it would be a good way to write down my thoughts and keep a journal of our everyday life but again I sit and stare at the screen wondering what part of my life do I want to write about.

The kids are doing great! They are currently studying for mid-terms. The twins are freaked out about it. Dom is not because this is his 4th year having to do them. I keep telling the twins you are putting way too much thought into it. I have confidence that they will do well. Sarah still has her boyfriend. She came in my room the other night and said "guess what" I said "what" and her reply was "this is me and Dannys 2 month anniversary" and me being the smart ass that I am I said "woo hoo OMG I am soooooooo excited" LOL. I think it is cute! I just don't want her to get so caught up in him that she loses sight of herself. Marco now has a girlfriend as well and she has a great name .... Kelly! Dom has about 5 girls and I am not sure if any of them are his girlfriends. He is pretty private. Oh, I got my cell phone bill the other night, well I should say Nick opened it. I heard this sigh from the kitchen and knew it could not be good. I was right Dom was using the Internet from his phone again after he has already been told we have to pay every time we use it which amounted to $135.00 extra on our bill. Nick was pissed and I was too. I took his phone away until he can pay the bill but I hate him not having a phone because he is gone so much I like to keep tabs on him. It is a double edged sword. Nick also said he is not getting the phone back even if he pays the bill because he said he can go get a pay as you go phone. I made a command Mom decision and said yes he can have the phone back once he pays! Nick is wonderful with my kids. I have a weird outlook on the whole step-parent thing. I think it is my responsibility to discipline them and not his. Not that I am saying they can disrespect them in any way I definitely would not tolerate that but I just feel it is my job. I guess I have seen too many step-dads come and in and rule the roost and the mom allows him to do so even if it is not the way she thinks it should be handled. I am just plain ole weird about that.

Today is the coldest day of the year here in Michigan! We have had a horrible winter and have been blasted with alot of snow! Today on my way into work my truck said it was -6. I am not even joking that is how cold it is here. I just keep thinking about spring and summer. That is the only way I can deal with the cold. I wish I could live somewhere warm but with my kids at the ages they are at I just could not do it yet. I will one day! I am always amazed reading people blogs that live in the south and they are outside with no shorts on and it is Christmas. I think to myself oh damn that would be fucking fabulous!

Well, I need to get off here and get some work done. I will post Christmas pictures tomorrow since they are on my camera at home and I am at work.

Have a great weekend all!