Therapy

I was in the shower this morning thinking that this blogging is kinda like therapy. So I need some therapy today. I am pissed at myself!

I know that I have told you guys I am divorced but I don't really think I said anything about my X. We have been divorced for about 9 years now and I thought when we got divorced our problems would stop. I was so wrong they.are.the.same! The only difference is I don't have to live with him which is good. I went from living at home to living with him. I never lived on my own. My mom (I love her to death) is a control freak. My X is also a control freak. The problem is I didn't realize it until I was 29 and started resenting the 2 of them. I went to counseling to try to save my marriage and during that time I realized that I have choices and do not need to be told what to do by anyone. I was capable of making my own decisions. Wow this was surprising to me. I know that sounds so stupid but when you live with control freaks you think it is the way of life and do not know any better. So my counselor told me to start exercising my right to make decisions. I did and they both hated it. Now I had my mom and my X both fighting with themselves over controlling me. So, needless to say, they did not get along. I stayed in the marriage for a year more and then just could not take it. The new me making my own decisions could not handle being strangled because that is what it felt like. He had control over everything and I hated it. I stayed home so I used to have to ask him for gas money, money to take the kids to Mcdonalds or for anything. We did not have a checking account because he bounced to many checks so he paid our bills with money orders. He made alot of money and always walked around with $1,000.00 in his pocket at any given time but he would usually only give me $20.00 at a time and then ask how I spent it. WTF I was getting so tired of it. Then he had an affair and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I was done! I filed for divorce and our divorce took 18 months. During that 18 months we had to live together which was hell. It was horrible! He was losing control of me and everything around him and it was making him crazy. He always had this power over me and it was so hard for me to not give him that power. He would always say my trigger points and then I would explode. Knowing that I should not it is just hard to control it. Since our divorce he still likes to throw in his comments to me that he knows will get to me. For the most part, I can ignore them and consider the source. He never takes the kids to the drs, ortho or any after school activities. He never has even when we were married. When they were little and sick it was always my responsibility to take time off from work and to the drs. He has been at his job for 22 years and is in car sales so he has more freedom than I do as an hourly employee. Needless to say, I always did what was best for my kids. We have joint custody so on Tuesdays they go to his house and every other weekend. Even on his days he will not pick them up if they are at the school for practice or something. It makes me crazy. I always think to myself that I wish I could be a parent when it was convenient for me cuz that is pretty much what he does.

Ok so I gave you some background and now I will give you the reason I am pissed at myself. Marco woke up yesterday not feeling good. He was a preemie and has some asthma issues as a side effect. Every year in January and February he gets really sick. I felt him before I left for work and he didn't have a fever but I could hear him having a hard time breathing. I gave him some Tylenol and his inhaler and he went to bed. I went to work and could not take any time off of work so I texted his dad to see if I made a dr appointment would he take them. Of course, his response was no I can't. I only work a mile from home so at lunch I went home to check on him and he was sleeping still no fever but tired and feeling pretty shitty. I get nervous when he feels this way because of my past experiences. Last year in February he was at his dad's house over the weekend and didn't feel good all weekend and kept telling his dad he did not feel well. His dad told him he was fine. Dropped him off at my house Monday morning and never called to tell me he was sick. I got a call at work from Marco saying he was home and did not feel well. I went home and took one look at him and said you need to go to the clinic. I took him and they did an Xray and some tests. Came back to the room with an IV and I said why does he get that. She said oh did the dr talk to you. I said no. She said he has pneomonia and the ambulance will be here in 30 minutes to transport him to the hospital. I was pissed! I was pissed because he was at his dad's house all weekend and did nothing about it and if he would have taken him maybe 2 days before would could of avoided a hospital stay. So knowing that he was going to his dads yesterday I thought it would be best for him to go to the clinic. Of course, when I asked him to take him all hell broke loose. All of a sudden I'm a piece of shit, don't care about my kids and selfish. Now I know none of this is true but it is so hard not to respond to him. It is just hard. I just let him ramble on. Yesterday right before he picked up Marco he calls him and is screaming at him so loud that I could hear it across the room. Now that is what gets me so the fight got started because of course I can't keep my mouth shut when it comes to my kids. Then he just continues on with all the shitty comments that he knows is gonna get to me and I let it. That is what I am pissed about. Why do I play this? Why can't I just keep my mouth shut? I struggle with this and I just can't figure out why I do this. I should just let it go in one ear and out the other because I know who and what I am. So that is my big question? He did take Marco to the clinic and it turns out he has a sinus infection. I just hope he feels better over the weekend. No matter how old your kids get you still hate when they don't feel good.

Sorry if this seems so rambled but I am at work and have been waiting on customers in between typing this. If you have a similiar situation or some other advice for me I would appreciate it.

By the way, it is snowing today again!