Blah!

As I wrote yesterday, I was trying to wrap my mind around what my friend just told me. I was in a great mood tho bouncing around work. I left work and decided to go see my mom. I love my mom a ton but I will tell you she can bring me down in 2 seconds. I think most moms have that ability because they know the target spots. I walked in her room and she said hi babydoll. I said hi are you having a good day. She said yep. So I sat down to visit with her and she pointed out some flowers on her window sill. I said who gave you those? She said on of the nurse's aids. I said that is nice! Then she said yep everyone does nice things for me except you! I was so hurt... I didn't respond just stared at the TV because I was fighting back tears. She kept looking at me for a response and I just said Ok mom. Then she started crying because my sister is suppose to come this weekend and she wanted me to buy a disposable camera so she could take pictures. She also said she wanted a picture of me and my sister. I understand her feelings because it is her daughter. However, I am so tired of feeling less that my sister. It has been that way my whole life. Whether it was said or implied it is the way that I felt. When my sister comes this weekend she is supposed to wear her wedding dress and Don is supposed to have on a a tux. I doubt she will come but hey maybe this time she will. I hope she does for my mom's sake but her track record is against her. When my sister was married before she had the perfect husband, perfect house and perfect kids. That is the way it appeared to everyone I know differently now. I was always the one who had the uncontrollable kids or dirty kids. Lets face it I had 2 boys and a girl boys are always dirty when they are young for shits sake they are boys. At the time I didn't argue about it because they would always tell me there is no difference in raising boys and girls. I know there is but why argue over it. The other thing my sister always teased me about growing up was the fact that I was always bigger than her. She is still tiny like a size 1. When I was younger I was soooo chubby. I stayed chubby until I was about 14. She would always make fun of me and the size of my underware. I am 43 now and that shit stays with you for the rest of your life. I have overcome it for the most part but still am a little self conscieous (spelling?). So my sister will drive in on her white horse and be the superstar to my mom. I, however, am shit because I do nothing for her! I know in my mind that is not true but that is the way my mom makes me feel. I have probably said this in an earlier post but I will say it again. My sister once told me that she considered her family like the Waltons and my family was like the Griswolds. Hurtful, but again I got used to it. I try not to let these feelings come out very often but it is so hard when my mom says shit like to me. I only stayed about 20 minutes after she said that because I was literally fighting back my tears. In fact, I had to put on my sunglasses to hide them. I walked out of her room and cried the whole way home. I just feel like I always try to be the best person and I can be to everyone around me not just my mom and when something like that is said it cuts me to the core. I prayed when I got home for some understanding of this and why she feels the need to do this. My mom kept calling my cell phone and I would not answer she also called Nick's cell phone and he answered it and told her I went to the store. He asked her if everything was ok and she said yep just have her call me. I listened to my messages and they were all saying sorry that she would never want to hurt my feelings. I am sick of getting my feelings hurt! I try not to hurt anyone's feelings it happens sometimes but definitely not if I can help it. I know everyone has their baggage from childhood but sometimes those feelings are so raw you just have to cry to get it out. When I got home yesterday Marco said mom are you ok. I said yes I am fine. I went in my bathroom and tried to get myself together, changed and went for a walk. Walking does help me because as I am walking I process my thoughts. I usually feel better when I get home. Nick understands me the most. So I usually talk it thru with him as well. Sometimes I feel like I expect too much from people and that I over-react and he assures me that I don't.

I started this post at like 8:30 this morning and it is now 2:00 in the afternoon. Work has been a little bit busy today. I just had to get out what was on my mind. Afterall, isn't that what this blog is for. I guess life can always be roses. I hope everyone has a good day!